psychological trials – NourishingWhole

90 Days In

April 1st, marks us at a just over 90 days into the this year. While I never came out and posted my goals for the year, I made some. There is the classic lose weight and get healthy, be more organized, and don’t go crazy. But I didn’t want to set myself up for failure with some crazy, lose 60 pound goal. I wanted to actually feel that I was making changes for the best.

This is the year that I get healthy, lose weight, and enjoy life.

Side plank, couldn't do this last year! — Side plank, couldn’t do this last year!

I then broken down this overall goal into small stages, with evaluating at the quarter. The first quarter, January through March, is over and I am not sure how I feel about it.

One thing I wanted to do, was a 90 day Whole30, made it 30 and crashed and burned. I have been meaning to do another 30 day round, but with the move, my mind has been elsewhere. (Have I not given details on our cross country move? I will have to work on that.)

I also wanted to finish Jillian Michaels 90 day Body Revolution. But I also want to run. Doing both, keeping a running training schedule and doing an intense daily workout program, was hard and I needed to listen to by body and not burn myself out.

With running, I have a goal to run 500 miles this year. Right now I am at, 48 miles, which is way under where I should be. (I should be logging 125 miles a quarter, about 40 miles a month, 10 miles a week, and running 4 days a week puts me at needing to run about 2.5 miles a day. To catch up, I neeguarwd to up to 4 miles a run day.)

The other thing that I am doing is trying to follow the recommendations of my doctor, taking the supplements that I need to for my deficiencies and not eating all the foods to which I have intolerance. I am not suppose to eat; gluten, dairy, legumes, corn, and sugar. (Basically, Whole30 is what I am suppose to eat all the time.) My original plan was take one out a quarter, compounding it. Gluten first, followed by dairy. Gluten has gone well, I have not willingly consumed gluten (I might have accidentally eaten some, but never on purpose.) Dairy, is going to be hard.

Overall, quarter one, was good. Workouts happened, and health changes are happening. Looking forward to improving and continuing onward.

I am hurting too

Checking email is a part of a normal morning routine. Collapsing on the kitchen floor into an emotional mess, is not.

At my age, news of parents passing should not be something I should be dealing with. Death is something my group of girl friends from high school is becoming undesirably familiar with.

We have had grandparents pass.
Parents.
And a child.

Death is a part of life. But is doesn’t make it easier.

The sudden loss of a parent comes with an indescribable pain. It pierces your soul. It rips your heart apart and your soul comes screaming out with a force so strong your body just fails.

You start thinking about every minor detail of your life that you haven’t told them. For me, it wasn’t just minor details. Maybe that makes it harder.

Picking up the pieces, finding the will to just go, becomes a primal instinct, a flight or fight response.

My mom died 3 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I was waiting to tell her in person. The plan was to drive over for a surprise visit and tell her in person on Saturday. She died 6 days before.

This is different, they had a little bit of warning, but that doesn’t help the grieving process.

Grief of a parent is life long.

When something good happens, it is there.
When your child does something funny, sweet, milestones, birthdays.
When your child is misbehaving
When you’re at church
When your friend tells you that their mom is gone too.

I know that this weekend, isn’t about me and my grief. It isn’t about me and my missed opportunities. It is about Merri, and her grief. Her missed opportunities.

But I will be hurting too.

But Mommy’s Aren’t Supposed to go Away.

Mr. Z hasn’t been feeling well the last couple of days, and so along with lots of snuggles, naps, and chocolate, there has been a lot of TV time.

One movie he keeps requesting has been “Radar the Police Car” or as it is actually titled, Bold Eagles. It is a cute little animated movie about a nature preserve in Norway, called Eagle Park. Some poachers come in and start taking the animals. They take the Mommy Eagle, before her egg can hatch. Radar, starts to care for the eaglet, and the eaglet, Scruffy, starts calling Radar mommy.

At the end, Radar is telling Scruffy, that the Eagle is his REAL mommy. To which the eaglet replies, “But mommies aren’t supposed to go away.”

I don’t know how many times in the last 3 three years, I have personally said that.

In casual conversation, people will sometimes say things like, “My mom, is going to outlive me.” or “Mother’s can’t die.”

I know they mean well, and I don’t walk around with a sign that says, don’t talk about mothers not dying, mine is dead.

But today I heard that line, I just just wanted to turn into a puddle.

But mommies aren’t supposed to go away.

My mother wasn’t the picture perfect mother, and most of the time I have to think really hard to remember the good. But she is my mine. While she might not be here today, and I can’t just call her whenever I have a question. I still feel her presence.

When loved ones pass before us, do they really leave us?

Personally, I don’t think so.

So even though, physically my mom is not here, I think she is still around, smiling and laughing with right along side us.

Mr. Z kissing grandma Nancy, April 30, 2015, her 60th birthday.

Feeling overwhelmed

I have been feeling run down the last few days, and trying to get figure out what is my deal. I am an emotional person, and bad news, especially, when I have been working so hard, just devastates me.

I have been kicking against the pricks of genetics for years, and now that I know what the answer is I just feel like I can’t fix it.

I have been trying to do everything at once, lose weight, increase muscle mass, become a runner, clean my house, become organized.

And I am expecting this over night… It doesn’t work that way. We all know it.

I need to take a step back for a bit. I am going to focus on just eating controlled portions and training for my half marathon. No 21-Day fix workouts on top over everything, no beating myself up because it took me a week to fold the laundry (and then another to put it away…).

I need to be gentle to myself, I am not super woman.

Whole30, will I do it again?

Probably not.

I like sugar, and sweets, and for the love of food, I just want to eat when and what everyone else is.

Maybe if my family, in-laws included, ate more closer to a paleo diet, I would do this again. Right now, I just feel like I have missed out of actually being a part of things.

I am present, and participating, but I am not enjoying that cake, or dinner that everyone else is. I had to bring my own dinner, so that it was safe.

I guess it comes down to feeling judged about my food choices.

I have been seeing a few changes. I was talking to a friend the other day about choices and self-control. She is a dietitian and I mentioned how I passed up a cookie or 2 for 3 BANANAS! She said:

“that while sometimes the “healthier” choice isn’t always the better choice, if you are going to follow moderation. Sometimes, being able to have that cookie, and not denying yourself, keeps you within you goals.”

I need to work on moderation and developing self-control.

I wasn’t pain free during it either. On Day 22, I had a pains like I had eaten foods I know not to eat. Not fun, when you are working so hard.

Working with my doctor and not getting the answers we all want, and then still having issues while on this super clean diet, is frustrating. And day 22 wasn’t the only day of pain.

I have decided to continue some of these principles in daily life. Mainly the added sugar. And to really keep track of what my gut and body does after eating.

One thing I learned, was how added sugars are in EVERYTHING!! Seriously, this is something is something that really should be addressed. Why does sugar need to be in everything?

Now that the 30 day strict period is over, I am going relax a bit. LIke pepperoni, I couldn’t find a sugar free pepperoni, but in things we eat daily, I will keep sugar free.

The SWYPO food rule, that’s one that I can not continue. I am a lazy eater. I hate eating a salad daily, a sandwich, or even a wrap would be nice.

Other than that, I think this is something that I could do indefinitely. On to the reintroduction phase. Hopefully, I don’t react too badly. Starting with some cheese tomorrow (and corn, I am really looking forward to popcorn at our Friday night movie!)

July 22, 2015– No, you didn’t have a bad day.

I didn’t post yesterday, and I was going to write, how I had a “bad day” yesterday.

But then, I said, “No, you didn’t have a bad day yesterday. You stuck to Whole30, while your food choices weren’t perfect, you did not eat anything off plan. And you walked about 6 miles. You had a GOOD DAY, yesterday!”

July 21:
Breakfast: GGS, 2 HB eggs
Snack: Apple and Sunbutter
Lunch: Enchilada Stuffed Sweet Potato
Dinner: just enchilada stuffing, no sweet potato

July 22:
Breakfast: 2 HB and some sauteed veggies
Lunch: Apple Sausage, sauteed carrots, onions, and green peppers and Strawberries
Dinner: We went out, Mr. Wonderful had a rough day at work, and he came home to me crying over some damaged items from my mom. So we went out, I got a hamburger in a lettuce wrap and a side salad, I also bought my own condiments so I wasn’t eating a bland burger.

July 20th, 2015–Can I just eat some “fake” food?

Chocolate chip cookies.

Beautiful, gluten filled, Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies, made for my sister and her move in crew. I just want to enjoy one, or a few handfuls.

Instead I ate THREE BANANAS…

I still want that DAMN cookie.

I am currently debating doing the reintroduction phase… 1) This is how I already eat 75% of the time. 2) I am so done. 3) I feel lied too. Whole30, 30 days of “real food” but everyone forgets to tell you about the 10 DAY reintroduction phase, it is really the WHOLE40!

Food Log:

Breakfast: Leftover potatoes and carrots with a apple chicken sausage

Lunch: zoddles and meat sauce

Dinner: Slumgillion, is what we grew up calling it. Leftover roast, gravy (aka leftover mushroom soup), and the leftover potatoes and carrots. We had it over green beans.

Then I ate another serving, and 3 bananas, because I really wanted to eat chocolate chip cookies and ice cream and cheese, and rice…

How much longer and why am I doing this?

Day 12- Psychological holds

The whole30 timeline says that these are the hardest days.that you need to start addressing the “physiological hold food has on you”.

I like food. I enjoy shopping for food. I enjoy preparing, cooking, and eating food. I don’t really enjoy the clean up or the digestion parts.

I like fancy shmancy meals. I enjoy desserts.

Breakfast is probably favorite meal to make.

Food is a big deal in our lives. It brings people together.

It can nourish your body, mind and soul.

Lately, I have been craving pizza, Gardetto’s and ice cream.

I decided to put together a list of foods I want to eat post whole30. Check it out here.

Food Log: Traveled back home after a late breakfast and lunch with friends.

Breakfast: Hashbrowns, and homemade sausgae

Lunch: hand cut fries, lettuce wrap burger with tomato, red onions, pickles

Snack: carrots, cucumber, olives

Dinner: 2 eggs scrambled, caramelized onions, and bacon

The scale…

I didn’t think not stepping on the scale would be a challenge.

When I am in the midst of a workout program, it’s my check in once a week.

Some times, after a week of not pooping, I like to see how much, usually I am disappointed.

I weighed in Wednesday. The rules say no body measurements.

I can go weeks without weighing, so why is it now an issue?

Because someone said, “no!”

That word, has such a psychological hold on us, all of us.

You tell a 2 year old “no”and you get a range of responses, compliance to tantrum.

Tell a teenager, compliance to tantrum. Although, a teenager tantrum is called rebellion, it really is just a tantrum.

Tell an adult, and you still get compliance to tantrum.

Right? That’s what this is. I can’t step on the scale because some one told me no, so now I am going to complain.

But this isn’t just because someone told me no, I made a choice to commit to 30 days of whole30 rules.

I can only be upset with myself.

I could just break the rule, and no-one will know. I could and that’s cheating. If I break this rule, what other rules will I allow myself to break?

Stay strong, don’t give in. You can beat this natural man!