ramblings – Page 2 – NourishingWhole

I am hurting too

Checking email is a part of a normal morning routine. Collapsing on the kitchen floor into an emotional mess, is not.

At my age, news of parents passing should not be something I should be dealing with. Death is something my group of girl friends from high school is becoming undesirably familiar with.

We have had grandparents pass.
Parents.
And a child.

Death is a part of life. But is doesn’t make it easier.

The sudden loss of a parent comes with an indescribable pain. It pierces your soul. It rips your heart apart and your soul comes screaming out with a force so strong your body just fails.

You start thinking about every minor detail of your life that you haven’t told them. For me, it wasn’t just minor details. Maybe that makes it harder.

Picking up the pieces, finding the will to just go, becomes a primal instinct, a flight or fight response.

My mom died 3 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I was waiting to tell her in person. The plan was to drive over for a surprise visit and tell her in person on Saturday. She died 6 days before.

This is different, they had a little bit of warning, but that doesn’t help the grieving process.

Grief of a parent is life long.

When something good happens, it is there.
When your child does something funny, sweet, milestones, birthdays.
When your child is misbehaving
When you’re at church
When your friend tells you that their mom is gone too.

I know that this weekend, isn’t about me and my grief. It isn’t about me and my missed opportunities. It is about Merri, and her grief. Her missed opportunities.

But I will be hurting too.

Whole30 Round Two

I know, I said I more than likely wasn’t going to do another. But I have been trying to follow the Low-FODMAP rules, and I have found that I have been eating cookies all day, just because they were Low-FODMAP, and I am lazy.

Despite how much I hated the rules of Whole30, I actually stuck to it. So, I figured since eating cookies all day, is opposite of what I want, I thought Whole30 would be a good thing to do again.

But, I am going to not be crazy strict. That’s not a true Whole30 then. Yup, you are right. But I am not going to buy Fish Sauce on Amazon, just because I can’t find a compliant fish sauce in the area. I am not drinking fish sauce for the sugar, (who drinks it anyway!) and I guess in reality, I could just leave it out. But whatever. And buying an expensive dijon mustard just because it doesn’t have white wine it in. I already don’t consume alcohol, so then again, how much then would be in the ¼ tsp, I used to make some “compliant” mayo…

I need to keep this Whole30 in our budget. So, that means, I won’t be buying any crazy new different brand, just because it is “compliant” instead of the store brand that has sugar/wine/one non compliant ingredient. I am going to go with the 80/20 rule this round. Well, more like the 99/1 rule, I am going to limit my use of non-compliant ingredients to one.

For example, I decided to start today, instead of next week, so I didn’t everything I needed. Like, a lemon, I do have bottled lemon juice. But bottle lemon juice has a forbidden ingredient of a SULFITE. I said, “screw it”, and made my mayo, with it anyway. So now my homemade mayo isn’t Whole30 compliant, but that was the only thing that wasn’t in my lunch. Same with dinner, dinner called for fish sauce, which has sugar.

This is my personal, realistic, staying within my budget Whole30. It would be torn apart on the forum. So what, I don’t care, I am going to follow the rules as best I can, without going crazy about every single minuscule detail.

Yesterday, I started planning out 30 dinners for Whole30, thinking I would start in October, then I thought, nah, let’s just start next week. Spend the week getting ready. Then this morning I thought, why not just start today. Plus that way, I will be done in time for my Mother-in-Law’s birthday! (Wacky Cake! Yummy!)

Today, I spent some time making a spreadsheet of meals to keep me on track. It isn’t finished, but go ahead and check it out. Also, made a shopping list for this week, and will go shopping tomorrow. (Oh! and I figured out how to edit pictures on my phone, and how to take fairly decent ones too! Hopefully, WordPress uploads them right.)

Like last round I will post meals, it was fun. And it helps keep me honest.

Breakfast:
1 whole egg and 1 egg white (leftover from making mayo), scrambled with some garlic infused olive oil and sauteed green peppers, cucumbers, bacon, and a banana.

Lunch:
Tuna fish mixed with homemade mayo, cucumbers, black grapes.

Dinner:
Slow cooker Thai Beef Stew with mashed potatoes.

Whole: Cleaning and Decluttering with FlyLady

When I feel like life is running me over, I always revert back to what basics am I not doing.

Lately, I feel like the chaos in my house is controlling me, not me control it. So, back to a daily routine I go. I have this vision, of what I want my routines to be, but it doesn’t happen. Because of life, toddler meltdowns, or my own laziness.

Years ago, a friend told me about FlyLady. I have started and stopped, flapped and crashed. I really like FlyLady and her baby steps.

Especially, step one, which some days is all I can do.

Shine your sink.

Seriously, I am lazy. I don’t want to be. I would love to have a spotless house, and not have to look for random things.

Now that my methylated B Vitamins are starting to kick in, I am feeling so energized. I am jumping in and starting FlyLady again! Here is my email I sent as part of my Babystep Day 2!

Dear FlyLady,

I don’t know how many times I have started your baby steps. But recently I have been feeling overwhelmed, and I was cleaning out my email, and I found a folder of saved emails from you. And I thought, why not. 15 minutes, and maybe in a few weeks we might be actually eating dinner at the table. Low expectations I know, but every month I tell myself this month, we will be eating dinner at the table before the month is over. I hope by Sept 13th, I can tell you we are!

Here is my shining sink. Plus, for the first time since elementary school I have tomorrows outfit picked out.

Feeling overwhelmed

I have been feeling run down the last few days, and trying to get figure out what is my deal. I am an emotional person, and bad news, especially, when I have been working so hard, just devastates me.

I have been kicking against the pricks of genetics for years, and now that I know what the answer is I just feel like I can’t fix it.

I have been trying to do everything at once, lose weight, increase muscle mass, become a runner, clean my house, become organized.

And I am expecting this over night… It doesn’t work that way. We all know it.

I need to take a step back for a bit. I am going to focus on just eating controlled portions and training for my half marathon. No 21-Day fix workouts on top over everything, no beating myself up because it took me a week to fold the laundry (and then another to put it away…).

I need to be gentle to myself, I am not super woman.

August 8, 2015

Yesterday, I had a follow up with my Functional Medicine Doctor. I have SIBO, the antibiotics have really helped that. And even though I feel great, I can not eat whatever I want. SIBO can be caused by the bodies inability to digest FODMAPs.

Well, as if the list of foods I can’t/shouldn’t eat could get any longer…

Years ago, I did the FODMAP thing, it helped a little, but not really. Now, I have to retest them ALL, especially because I wasn’t avoiding them while I was taking my SIBO antibiotics. Now, 6 weeks of don’t eat anything…

I don’t even know where to start, the list of Paleo FODMAPs isn’t very long, and onions and garlic are big no-no’s for FODMAPs. Also, almonds (most nuts actually).

When this happens, that list of “don’t eat”, grows, I just want to give up. What did I do to get a screwed up gut?!

Genetics, is the answer actually. Turns out I have a genetic mutation that predisposes me to gut issues.

My husband has it too, our kids are just screwed.

What does this mean? I need to be Gluten free, I need to avoid all legumes, I need to hire a personal chef. Any takers, I can pay $5 a week. (man, being poor sucks!)

I mean, I just finished Whole30, life is supposed to be full of “food freedom” not food jail.

I just ordered from the Monsah University in Australia the FODMAP booklet, cause the interweb lies. Every site you look at will tell you different foods are safe. Monash University is the leading source, the do the testing, so in about two weeks, I will jump into that. As for now, I am going to just eat those apples and sweet potatoes, so they don’t go back while I wait.

What do I want from this blog?

I started this blog as a way to talk my way through Whole30, without the “tough love”.

I dislike that term, by the way. Love isn’t tough. It is kind and patient, gentle and inviting. It shouldn’t make you feel like everything you have done is worthless. Which is how I felt using the forum.

But now I am done with Whole30, But I don’t want to be done blogging.

I don’t want to be another “mommy blogger” or another “mommy food blogger” or another “paleo food blogger”. But I think it is a little inevitable, I am a mom, I LOVE food, and I am paleo.

I am not the type to develop a new recipe weekly for you.

I think I will take this blog in a weight loss and health improvement blog. That is my goal in life, to nourish my body to be healthy and whole. With a little parenting, little spirituality, a little of this and a little of that, all mixed it. It is my blog. I titled it with the word, WHOLE because, I wanted it to be about, the whole of my life.

So with that, it is August. Whole30 is done. And I am on to the next thing. This month, I am working on a couple of things, half marathon training, doing the 21-Day Fix, and I want to improve my scripture study.

Half Marathon Training: I found a training calendar, and I need to just do it. I also recruited a friend to do it with me!

21-Day Fix: I know I posted I was going to do the 21-Day Fix Extreme, but I want to do that half marathon, so I thought I should cut back a little.

Scripture Study: It seems like every Fast Sunday, at least one person gets up and says “Hey you! Why aren’t you reading and studying the scriptures? It is promised that you will have more time, more energy, more everything, if you just devote that time every morning to your Heavenly Father.” And then I go, “Crap, they are talking right to me, I should do that.”

Sometimes I am great at it. But most of the time, It never crosses my mind to even crack those suckers open.

This month, I am going to read daily. There is a couple of great places to get a daily verse set and question. This year, I wanted to finish the Book of Mormon again, since I haven’t do that since high school… I am in Alma, two months behind of BofM365 instagram feed… time to double up!

Day 31–Now what?

The good:
I get to step on that scale!!
Start: 208
Day 31: 199.2 WHAT! WHAT!!

Sleep?
Meh, I have a toddler who joins us almost nightly

Energy?
Ebbs and flows, but it mostly up

digestion?
I do not believe Whole30 helped it, especially since I had more occurrences of flares toward the end.

Reintroduction plan (5 days between new foods):
Day 1: CHEESE
Day 2 through 6: Whole30
Day 7: Peanut butter and beans
Day 8 through 12: Whole30
Day 13: Rice and corn
Day 14 through 18: Whole30
Day 19: Gluten

So far dairy has been fine. I had straight cheese, pizza (paleo with cheese) and frozen yogurt!

I did also have some popcorn at the movie in the park, and some potato chips at the park with some friends tonight.

Over all I am feeling good. A little sluggish, but over all fine.

So now that Whole30 is “done”, I am going to start the 21 Day Fix Extreme, while finishing up the reintroduction phase.

Also, I think I want to do a local half-marathon in October. So, need to start training for that if I really do want to do that.

Whole30, will I do it again?

Probably not.

I like sugar, and sweets, and for the love of food, I just want to eat when and what everyone else is.

Maybe if my family, in-laws included, ate more closer to a paleo diet, I would do this again. Right now, I just feel like I have missed out of actually being a part of things.

I am present, and participating, but I am not enjoying that cake, or dinner that everyone else is. I had to bring my own dinner, so that it was safe.

I guess it comes down to feeling judged about my food choices.

I have been seeing a few changes. I was talking to a friend the other day about choices and self-control. She is a dietitian and I mentioned how I passed up a cookie or 2 for 3 BANANAS! She said:

“that while sometimes the “healthier” choice isn’t always the better choice, if you are going to follow moderation. Sometimes, being able to have that cookie, and not denying yourself, keeps you within you goals.”

I need to work on moderation and developing self-control.

I wasn’t pain free during it either. On Day 22, I had a pains like I had eaten foods I know not to eat. Not fun, when you are working so hard.

Working with my doctor and not getting the answers we all want, and then still having issues while on this super clean diet, is frustrating. And day 22 wasn’t the only day of pain.

I have decided to continue some of these principles in daily life. Mainly the added sugar. And to really keep track of what my gut and body does after eating.

One thing I learned, was how added sugars are in EVERYTHING!! Seriously, this is something is something that really should be addressed. Why does sugar need to be in everything?

Now that the 30 day strict period is over, I am going relax a bit. LIke pepperoni, I couldn’t find a sugar free pepperoni, but in things we eat daily, I will keep sugar free.

The SWYPO food rule, that’s one that I can not continue. I am a lazy eater. I hate eating a salad daily, a sandwich, or even a wrap would be nice.

Other than that, I think this is something that I could do indefinitely. On to the reintroduction phase. Hopefully, I don’t react too badly. Starting with some cheese tomorrow (and corn, I am really looking forward to popcorn at our Friday night movie!)

The scale…

I didn’t think not stepping on the scale would be a challenge.

When I am in the midst of a workout program, it’s my check in once a week.

Some times, after a week of not pooping, I like to see how much, usually I am disappointed.

I weighed in Wednesday. The rules say no body measurements.

I can go weeks without weighing, so why is it now an issue?

Because someone said, “no!”

That word, has such a psychological hold on us, all of us.

You tell a 2 year old “no”and you get a range of responses, compliance to tantrum.

Tell a teenager, compliance to tantrum. Although, a teenager tantrum is called rebellion, it really is just a tantrum.

Tell an adult, and you still get compliance to tantrum.

Right? That’s what this is. I can’t step on the scale because some one told me no, so now I am going to complain.

But this isn’t just because someone told me no, I made a choice to commit to 30 days of whole30 rules.

I can only be upset with myself.

I could just break the rule, and no-one will know. I could and that’s cheating. If I break this rule, what other rules will I allow myself to break?

Stay strong, don’t give in. You can beat this natural man!

June 30, 2015–I haven’t even started and I have learned so much.

The first thing that I have learned is that the Whole30 forum isn’t for me. I personally have a hard time with negativity, “tough love”, and criticism. Yes, I am an adult, and no I don’t need to be coddled. Maybe if it was said, “Calorie counting is not part of Whole30, while your doctor has asked you to do that, we discourage it” And a link to the rule that explicitly states No Calorie Counting, cause I couldn’t find one.

I hate how text on the internet can be so misconstrued.

I want a support network, and so I have started this journal of sorts. I am a terrible blogger! My family blog hasn’t been updated since March 2013… but this is going to be a journal for me to talk about my success, and work out issues and frustrations.

Comment and participate with me on this journey, but please be kind!
I have also learned that some foods I just assumed to be compliant are not! Peas, yup, no frozen peas, green beans are allowed. Also, I was hoping that lemon juice was, but only fresh, the bottle stuff has sulfites in it.

No Peas

No Bottled Lemon Juice

I am trying to take today to prep for this next week. I do not want to crash and burn in the first few days.

Today’s prep list:

Make Chicken Salad for Lunches
- Make Mayo
- Boil and shred chicken
Cut vegetables
- for breakfasts
  - Bag for easy mornings
- for lunches
- for dinners
Double check everything is ready for tomorrow
PULL OUT CHICKEN
Make Pesto