Don’t Cry Over… Potato Salad

On Friday, our church had a “get to know you” activity for the congregation. We live in a congregation heavily populated by college students. We are new, and here for school, so it was fun evening, plus I didn’t have to cook!

Mr. Z enjoying some beans on bread
         Mr. Z enjoying some beans on bread

We were asked to bring a side dish, salad, or a dessert for the BBQ provided by the church. I signed up to bring a potato salad: simple, cheap, easy, and my favorite BBQ side. The only problem, I couldn’t remember my mom’s recipe, and that is what I really wanted. My Mother’s potato salad.

So much good food!
                        So much good food!

When, I couldn’t remember the recipe, I picked up my phone and started to call my mom. That is when it hit me. It’s been just over 4 years, and it doesn’t get any easier. The last few months there has been many times I have want to call, but couldn’t. This time was different. Knowledge, I needed from her, was completely inaccessible.

After pulling myself back together, I texted my two sister’s. Surely, one of them would remember, or at least we could remember enough together to figure it out. My younger sister told me to just go to the store, cause she doesn’t know. The other, told me that I was just missing mayo and mustard.

The Potato Salad
                               The Potato Salad

But when I had it all made, it was just missing something.

 

It is moments like that, that just make me realize I need to be writing down my recipes and the other things that we do. I hope that for someone, it either helps them find a new food or helps them to grieve a loss too.

I am hurting too

Checking email is a part of a normal morning routine. Collapsing on the kitchen floor into an emotional mess, is not.

Email

At my age, news of parents passing should not be something I should be dealing with. Death is something my group of girl friends from high school is becoming undesirably familiar with.

We have had grandparents pass.
Parents.
And a child.

Death is a part of life. But is doesn’t make it easier.

The sudden loss of a parent comes with an indescribable pain. It pierces your soul. It rips your heart apart and your soul comes screaming out with a force so strong your body just fails.

You start thinking about every minor detail of your life that you haven’t told them. For me, it wasn’t just minor details. Maybe that makes it harder.

Picking up the pieces, finding the will to just go, becomes a primal instinct, a flight or fight response.

My mom died 3 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I was waiting to tell her in person. The plan was to drive over for a surprise visit and tell her in person on Saturday. She died 6 days before.

This is different, they had a little bit of warning, but that doesn’t help the grieving process.

Grief of a parent is life long.

When something good happens, it is there.
When your child does something funny, sweet, milestones, birthdays.
When your child is misbehaving
When you’re at church
When your friend tells you that their mom is gone too.

I know that this weekend, isn’t about me and my grief. It isn’t about me and my missed opportunities. It is about Merri, and her grief. Her missed opportunities.

But I will be hurting too.